For well over forty years I suffered deep chronic depression. During the early part of my life, depression was not discussed and if it was, it was regarded as a dirty secret that had to be hidden from the neighbours and society in general.

From puberty onwards I lived in a vacuum of darkness struggling to make sense of the world I lived in. The fear building up inside me was so intense, at times I struggled to breathe. I had absolutely no confidence in myself, I was constantly apologising to all in sundry for the slightest mistakes. There were many days when I just wanted to stay in bed with the covers pulled up over my head. I simply was too fearful of facing the day.

My mother would have none of that and made me get out, get dressed and marched me out the door. I am sure Mum had no idea what she was dealing with at the time but on some level she knew lying in bed sobbing was not the answer, hence the strict command to get up and get going.

My way of coping was to hide most of the symptoms in the early years and I learnt very quickly to become the joker so that I could hide behind the clown act I perfected.
I did manage to live as near as normal a life as possible, if you call being highly medicated and operating in a fog so thick it took all my will power to simply step into the day.

I went on to marry have three beautiful children and create my own business.
I lived the lifestyle of the joker hiding my inner turmoil, until my fifties when I suffered a breakdown and lost my business, car, home, and everything. I was completely reliant on my family for support. Was this a blessing? I certainly didn’t think so at the time. I came to realise that lurching from one crisis to another was no way to live.

I then made a decision. I took stock of the way I had handled depression up to this point and realised it was not working. For things to change I had to change. I then set out to discover if I could indeed live a full healthy vibrant life free from depression.

Doctors told me no. Chronic depression was a life sentence. That was the great debate going on inside me – are they right? I decided that exploring other means of healing might just help. Little did I know that I was setting out on a path that would completely change every aspect of my life.

You will find here the book I have written detailing my own journey from depression to expression. This book was published in 2012 but I feel now is the time to reintroduce it into the public arena.

I have continued my journey of self discovery and growth since then and I will be sharing these experiences in blogs as I move along.

Each and everyone one of us have our own unique experiences. I am not hear to judge preach or advise what is the right or wrong way to deal with depression and anxiety.

I offer my own thoughts feelings and experiences and maybe they will help you set out on your own journey.